This last weekend, my oldest son, who is a mere 31 years of age, told me I was getting gray. "Yes," I said, and didn't think much of it at the time. I don't have much - more growing in around the temples, and a patch just above my forehead on the left side, almost like a streak, but I know more is coming. I've never worried about my age or wished I was younger. The past three years however, have aged me quite a bit - in ways I would have never guessed. I hurt all over. My hands, feet and shoulders being the worst. Sometimes I feel like my arms are not quite connected to my body. My face definitely looks older, ravaged by sadness and grief. But, all in all, I know growing old was inevitable and, quite frankly, it doesn't bother me. There hasn't been a time in my life when I felt this comfortable in my own skin, and yet I wonder if it's because I don't really care much about anything anymore. Maybe it's just a symptom of my apathy at life in general. I do know the only things keeping me going are my husband and son. Without them, I would not be here today.

The Joy of Cooking

I've never been a mayonnaise fan. When I was in elementary school the trauma is still raw when I remember opening my lunch box, carefully unwrapping the bologna sandwich and discovering there was mayo on it. It didn't happen often, but when it did, I was devastated. I guess when you have five children to make lunches for everyday school day, sometimes the order wasn't quite right. There are things now I will eat with mayo, but it has to be mixed in. For  instance, tuna (but not on the bread), egg salad, macaroni salad (only my Mom's recipe), potato salad, and a little dip of mayo on each of my artichoke petals. But now, the game has changed a bit. Little did I know how easy it is to make homemade mayo and how absolutely delicious it is. The recipe in the Joy of Cooking will have you saying, "bye bye to Best Foods." My Mom's macaroni salad just hit a new level. I just hope I don't eat it all before our get together tonight here at the house. Yum.

I haven't done much pottery since I finished my Mom's cremation urn. Unconsciously, I may have processed the finished product as an end and then didn't notice any creativity creeping back in. Her urn is beautiful and I know she would have approved. I believe she was with me in spirit while my hands imagined it into reality. In the past couple of weeks, I have been doing a little more and today I stacked a couple of totems in the yard and took pics.  They add a
little color and cheer. I can't use the word "whimsical" as it reminds me so much of the many times Jay and Eric and I watched some home decor or garden show on TV and continuously laughed our heads off as it seemed every other word used by the hosts was "whimsical." It was a constant in our vocabularies after that making fun of all sorts of news articles, people and work situations. We always had fun that way. Due to the overuse of some other words like, "shameful" and "stupid," I still can laugh out loud without a care as to who can hear me! Jay and Eric's voices are constant companions to me.

 I love walking at Riverview Park - so does Meggie, note the flapping tongue. Each season finds the trees, sky and general appearance of the landscape displaying the most beautiful of it's attributes as if in a competition. I'm not sure I could say I favor one season over the other. Each is so uniquely lovely.

Yesterday, I was able to snag a wooden pallet I had been eyeing for sometime now. With it loaded into the Suburban, I felt a bit triumphant considering it involves a project I haven't discussed with my hubby as of yet. I keep hinting that I want chickens but his eye rolling has been a barrier to the forward movement of the project - until yesterday! I was able to get a box pallet which is basically a pallet crate. It's measures 4x4 and if I turn it over, will serve as the base for the hen house. My old greenhouse will serve as the skeleton for the hen yard. The only obstacle for me is getting all the materials together in one place so I can put it together. That's where the hubby comes in, so I have to keep working on selling the idea.

I tried so hard to settle myself down before my head hit the pillow last night. Once I actually got into bed, I really believed I would be able to nod off right away, but alas, that didn't happen. Last time I caught a glimpse of the clock, I had been "settling" for an hour. Better than usual, but still not optimal. I was a bit more refreshed this morning, leaving the comfort of a quiet room and soft bed at about 7am. I sat and watched the birds while I sipped my tea and then took Meggie out to Riverview Park for a nice walk. With camera in tow, I was able to click away and enjoy a beautiful Spring day in Carson City. Meggie was so happy. I have lots to do today to get ready for Eric's birthday gathering on Sunday. It's a great time to reconnect with the friends Eric loved so well and who loved him in return. It's amazing how their lives have developed and how they have grown into those lives they have been building for themselves. I just wish Eric had of been able to continue on the journey with them.

It's almost beyond my ability to comprehend the fact that I have not posted anything to this blog for the past two years. Has it really been that long? But then when I think about it, what have I actually been doing? I should know the answer, but I still don't recognize the changes in my life as truly being permanent. I can compare this time in my life to the process of molting like a bird - but most of the old feathers are clinging on, hiding the new ones trying to grow through. Even when the new feathers do grow, pushing out the old, the bird still resembles what it was before it lost it's feathers. Nothing in my life feels familiar and the restlessness I carried around with me for so long is gone. In the past, reinventing myself was a way for me to cope with my restlessness, but it seems I have totally forgotten how to do that. Of course, restlessness is easier to manage than sadness and grief which still cling to so much of what defines me. It has seeped into every pore in my body and my body reminds me of it constantly. I feel old.

Just one victory a day would be helpful. No matter how small or large, being able to have some satisfaction might be what my body needs to help me feel alive again. The physical pain stops me in my tracks and discovering a way to diminish it's affects would be most welcome at this point. The sleep deprivation I've experienced is contributing to the physical deterioration. I'm sleepy in the evenings but as soon as my head hits the pillow, my mind won't stop. I toss and turn trying to get comfortable and end up a frustrated, tired mess. My best sleep is in the morning when I used to be up and around, ready for the day. It's a sleep shift I don't want to succumb to. It might just be time to take back my schedule and force myself to get up as early as I used to, take the dog for a walk, and try to start my day on a fresh note.

So, day one tomorrow....