Day Thirty-Six

Each day when I begin my mornings, the first thing I usually do is turn on my music. The playlist I tend to click on is classical but, at times, I will choose the tranquility playlist. I find that when the music is on, the TV is not, and that is a good thing (there's nothing worth watching on it anyway). There are days and days that go by without the TV on and sometimes I even choose not to have music. It gives me time to think without distraction. I've discovered that when it comes to the distractions offered for people who remain at home all day, the choice is rather narrow if you're letting someone else choose for you. Let's face it, all the soaps, Bonnie Hunt, Ellen, Dr. Oz, Dr. Phil, The Doctors, and, of course, Oprah, is not even considered choice by me. I am amazed that this is all that offered on the big networks as I won't even consider getting cable - I can't believe that anyone would actually pay for TV. If I really want to, I can watch a movie, of my choice, on my computer through Netflix and sometimes I choose to do that (maybe once a month though). When I first was a full time stay-at-home, I did click the TV on to watch in the afternoons. No wonder there are so many people out there who feel inadequate and lost. On their own, they'd probably be ok, but considering all the talk show heads telling you that you must find "purpose" in your life to be fulfilled and then showcasing people who send pajamas, shoes, etc., to third world countries, can be rather daunting for us ordinary folk. And as for "purpose," I have a lot to say about that.

According to most people who make extraordinary amounts of money telling others what they need in their lives, if you don't have purpose you're somehow unfulfilled and not a whole person. Now I can see why there are so many people who suffer from depression. When I hear all this stuff about how you can lead a purposeful and fulfilled life, I remember a saying attributed to John Adams (yes, the second President of the United States), "There are two creatures of worth in this world - those with a commitment, and those who require the commitment of others." I interpret this as meaning if it weren't for those who need the help, there would be no need for extraordinary people. So, you could say, there is an intrinsic value to both needy people and those who help the needy. There is purpose in being needy and in being needed. In this sense, everything leads a "purposeful life" and there is no need to find your purpose. Whew, I feel relieved - and so should you!

Oprah has exhausted the realm of fads and has become rather predictable. Dr. Phil only addresses problems that border on absurdity. The Doctors is laughable. Dr. Oz is redundant. Ellen is repetitive and Bonnie Hunt is like the McNeal/Leherer talk-show host of daytime TV. I'm not sure what's on the cable channels but is it really that much better? Let me know.

Day Thirty-Three, Thirty-Four and Thirty-Five

Well, three days have gone by so I guess I better make this posting a good one, especially after I said it's better to write daily without skipping. It's just that when the weekend gets here, my husband usually gets up in the morning before I do and I don't want to just jump on the computer and get started writing. We enjoy having our coffee and tea in our chairs by the window, watching the birds awaken and start the feeding, fighting and fountain cycle all over again. So, it's sometimes difficult to schedule the time to blog. Also, it's been a bit hectic around here since our water main broke under our driveway. After firing the first outfit that my husband had hired to do it (they just kept calling and delaying the date they could get started!), I finally, with some arm twisting, got another guy to get started right away. It's amazing that everyone is bitching about the economy and yet, you call these construction guys to come fix something and all they do is delay or tell you they can't get started right away because they have a baseball game they just have to go to. New landscaping in front here we come! I'll keep you posted.

This staying home thing is working out real well. I'm more relaxed than ever. Cooking dinner is something I look forward to everyday. The Farmer's Market on Saturday has become the catalyst for some amazing dinners. Last night, I marinated some ribeye steak in a mixture of lime juice, chipotle powder, cayenne, chili powder and garlic. I cut some thin strips for tacos and we piled on fresh cilantro, queso cheese, cherry tomatoes from the greenhouse, my addictive fresh salsa, and some fresh corn I cut from the cob and sauteed - very briefly - in the pan I cooked the steak in, and squeezed some fresh lime over the top. YUM. I could eat like that every night. You could taste every ingredient which was a lively layer of fresh tastes. I love eating fresh. We enjoyed some Semillion from Cantiga with the tacos. Sitting in front of the window watching the birds and eating was a treat as it was very cool over the last couple of days and we could feel the season changing already. I'm looking forward to Fall, but I must admit I'm not an anxious as I usually am for the graceful season to begin dancing in. I still have too many vegetables to harvest to begin hoping for the coolness to set in. I have about six butternut squash that still need a couple of weeks, many, many tomatoes, summer squash, and last but not least, my tomatillos. I do have carrots but they winter quite well here so we'll start picking them soon and just bring them in as we need them. Last year, I was wiping snow off the tops before harvesting.

I'm sure this winter will be an interesting time for me; not working and all. I'm hoping I will have the motivation to write and do family history even more. I have many old family photos to download, organize and begin more posts on my ancestry blog. Bob and I are off to Washington DC in September to bum around looking for the old stomping grounds of my maternal ancestors. It should be a lot of fun and taking in the new Native American Museum has been something that I've wanted to do for a while now. I love to travel!

Day Thirty-Two

It's with a large degree of ambivalence that I list my 1957 Morris Minor for sale. I've been trying to sell it for about two years but not actively as I still was hoping to find the desire to put some more money into it and have it fixed. When I bought the car, I was very excited and, I must say, have had a lot of fun driving it around town. It was kind of a ego booster as I had just turned 40 and every time I drove it, I was constantly turning heads! Unfortunately, the stares were probably not at the babe behind the wheel nor even the car itself, but glares of wonder at who would be driving such a ridiculous car. I'm over it now. I'm at a point in my life when I don't want to be noticed, in fact, invisibility is looking better and better (of course, the only chance for invisibility involves a substance called LSD - at least that's what I'm told). In any event, like I said, I'm over it now and the car needs a new home.

Day Thirty-One

The psychology of cash is a very interesting phenomenon, unless it's just something that is fundamental and I didn't know about it. You see, when I have cash in hand it's very difficult to part with it. When I have an ATM card or credit card it seems much easier especially in the case of the ATM card - you're not actually racking up debt with it's use as it comes directly from the checking account. But if faced with buying something and having to use cash, it seems quite a process for me to actually decide to part with the cash. If faced with buying that same thing ATM card in hand, it's a no brainer. I have decided to make most of my purchases using cash from now on. It's not really something new to me. When I had my own business, I used cash exclusively, especially for groceries. Like I said, there's something psychologically powerful about having cold hard cash in your possession, and the more I have, the more I want. Consequently, the spending is tremendously curtailed. It's actually become quite fun. I don't even go to the store as much because my cash is too precious (now I know how Golem must have felt about the Ring). Considering the state of our economy and everyone's wallets, maybe it would be a good idea for more people to try it. Right now, I have $90 in my purse and I'm hoping to introduce it to some friends real soon.

Day Thirty

The squash blossoms were wonderfully tasty, especially with the glass of wine I was enjoying and the full moon looming over the horizon. What a wonderful evening on the patio under a fine sky and warm, moist air which won't last for long now that our summer season is waining. I'm looking forward to the autumn, especially now that the summer harvest is coming in and I know my repertoire of soup is on the way.

I stuffed the squash blossoms with the homemade ricotta cheese mixed with fresh smashed garlic, fresh oregano, salt and pepper. I then dipped each packet in beaten egg and a little water, and then rolled them in Italian bread crumbs. The pan was filled with about 1/2" of canola oil and then deep fried. Served with sliced cherry tomatoes and, of course, the wine. Eat slowly and really savor the flavors. Especially remember the bounty of a harvest grown from your own two hands and the efforts needed to coax anything out of the ground in Nevada. It would do an injustice to all of the cosmic energies that came together to produce such a fine plate of lusciousness by consuming it as if you were going to a fire.

Day Twenty-Nine

Back to the normal "routine" this morning with a cup of tea, Japanese flute music on the Bose, and out to water the garden. I picked 32 tomatoes yesterday and am looking forward to doing something with them for dinner. I also have some figs I purchased at the Murphys farmer's market to pair with the ricotta cheese I made last week. Maybe a bruschetta of ricotta, balsamic and warm figs, which, by the way, would go real well with the Mt. Aukum 2006 Syrah - ooooh, I almost forgot, I could pick some squash blossoms, stuff them with the ricotta and deep fry! Decisions, decisions. Oh if life could only be a series of these types of decisions - we'd all be so happy (or very fat).

I am continually amazed at how relatively simple the idea of slowing down has been. Maybe it's because I'm getting older and we do tend to slow down as we age, but I'd like to think that it is because of a conscious effort to do so. It's calming to take pleasure in little things and take time to truly observe the world all around me. One thing I do notice more of - I have been aware of them in the past - are faces in trees. My tree outside our kitchen has always had a wonderful "face." The face has changed rather drastically over the past three years, and although I have always noticed it (for about 13 years now), I've only recently noted the changes. I guess it's stretching it to say "recently" as the changes began nearly four years ago. The face was always very prominent. I could see the pursed lips, the long curved nose and the eyes were bordered by very large bushy eyebrows. I noticed the face began to fade after our beloved lab, Buzz, passed away in 2006. Whether it was coincidence or just my sadness being projected onto something else, I could see real changes. The mouth was not as perky anymore and drooped just a bit. The eyes began to close and are now shut tight. The curve of the nose is not as pronounced and the eyebrows have grown together. I don't know, but it seemed that the tree was suffe

ring by the loss of its friend as well. Faces in trees, faces in clouds. It's interesting what the mind does to you. Right now as I sit and blog, I can look out and see the face in the tree as well as all the birds in the feeders as they fly from food source to shelter of the friendly tree.

My latest piece of pottery. It is all hand built, as that's all I do, but I do love the piece of driftwood incorporated into the lid. You know, if art is the one thing that separates man from beast then why are we all doing more of it? Maybe it's because there are too many of us watching TV. What a drain on creativity and what a shame that so many people rely on the boob tube to take them away from real life. I am so grateful that I have the desire to create even though, at times, it overwhelms me. I almost feel like a child whose discovered a secret that no one is supposed to know - to know that there is no distraction that is worth taking one away from what one is supposed to do - the beautiful act of creation. And creation comes in many forms.

Day Twenty-Eight

I realize now that it's much easier to keep up my blog on a daily basis. It's difficult when we go out of town, I always lose track of the day count and I miss those small insights that only come when I'm actually "in the moment." I feel rather tired today and uninspired. I do know that the weather is certainly changing and I can feel it emotionally and physically as well. My fingers are beginning to hurt a little more and a slight melancholy mood has wafted in. I love, love, love the fall but it does bring with it an introspection that can be startling at times. I think I'll leave it at that and see what tomorrow brings.

Day Twenty-Six and Twenty-Seven

Got up on Sunday and fixed bacon and eggs over the camp stove. There's something about eating bacon and eggs outdoors that makes them irresistible. Along with camp stove coffee, the morning couldn't have started off any better. It was quiet and a little on the cool side. We both took our showers after breakfast and headed into Murphys to do some wine tasting. Since the town of Murphys boasts about a dozen or more tasting rooms (there are fourteen wineries within two miles of the town), there was no shortage of activities. On the way, we stopped at an art exhibit and the supermarket in Avery. Once there, we decided to grab some more supplies and go back to camp to read and relax. We never made it to Murphys but we did manage to do some wine tasting at camp! Once we returned, a nice rainstorm hit and so Bob and I headed to the car to sit and drink wine and eat the remaining smoked salmon and cream cheese I had mixed up the day before and finished off some crackers and, of course, a whole bottle of wine. We sat in the car and rolled the windows up and down depending on how hard the rain came down. The smell of the wet forest was heavenly and almost heady. The Stevenot Sauvignon Blanc probably helped too. The rain continued for about an hour and then abruptly stopped. Dinner that night consisted of turkey sausage cooked over the camp fire and once browned, summer squash from the garden, along with chopped scallions, were added with a couple of tablespoons of pesto. I had two large portobello mushrooms that I cleaned out and filled with butter and a little of the pesto and then placed those on the grill to cook. All this over pasta and it was time to eat once again.

Sunday we headed out early and ended up taking Sheep Ranch Road out of Arnold heading toward Jackson. We wanted to go to our favorite winery, Cantiga in Somerset, to pick up our wine club selection for this quarter. Sheep Ranch Road turned out to be a great drive and we ended up in Mokelumme Hill which is just four miles south of Jackson. As we headed toward Somerset, we stopped at Mt. Aukum Winery and ended up buying another case of 2006 Syrah which we fell in love with when we did the Fairplay Wine Festival in June. After hitting Cantiga, we headed home looking forward to sleeping in our own bed once again.

Day Twenty-Five

After setting up camp, which didn't take long, we sat and relaxed for awhile marveling at the peacefulness of the big pines and the smell of the forest. We had concert tickets for Ironstone Winery's Summer Events to see Buddy Guy, Al Greene, and BB King that night and made our way to the grocery store in Avery to pick up a few things before heading into Murphys. We decided to go ahead and have dinner in Murphys but I would be camp cooking for the rest of our weekend. We slipped into the Victorian Inn for a beautiful dinner which consisted of a beet and feta cheese appetizer salad, Chatom Sauvignon Blanc and my entree was Ahi Tuna over a bed of baby greens and Bob had halibut over a puree of potatoes. Both were wonderful but if I had it to do over again, I would definitely have the halibut. Wow. Dessert ended the meal with berry crunch over vanilla ice cream and a bowl of lime sorbet which was to die for. We were set for the concert and needed nothing else but some good music.

This is the second concert we'd attended at Ironstone (we saw Diana Krall last year). We decided to choose the general seating this time which consists of a lawn area mainly due to the fact that we were in the folding chair seating last year and could barely move. We felt like we were sardines in a can not to mention the uncomfortableness of little metal folding chairs. Last year it seemed the people on the lawn were much better off. But after this year's experience, I'm not sure we'll attend another concert there. Not that we had any troubles, it's just that the lawn tends to get the drunk, rowdy people (drunk, rowdy old people) which was a lesson in just how obnoxious people can be when they drink to excess. Buddy Guy and Al Greene were great but I could have skipped BB King. Now I know why he says everyone is trying to convince him to retire. All he did was sit on stage and tell stories which were sometimes quite rambling and incoherent. Anyway, it was a beautiful evening of beautiful weather and starry sky.

Day Twenty-Four

Just getting ready to go camping at Calaveras Big Trees for the weekend. It's funny, if you had of told me I would be going camping when I turned 51, I would have laughed real hard. Yes, I grew up camping and it was something that I looked forward to every time. I would even cry when we had to go home. But as you age (I am specifically referring to myself) the bones and muscles just don't seem compatible with camping anymore. After a stint of Bed & Breakfasts and paying the exorbitant prices to stay overnight in someone else's house (I always feel I am an intruder even when the hosts live off premises), I decided to give camping another go. It took a little organization and a couple of fun finds at the local thrift stores, we are ready to go at a moments notice as just about everything we need is already packed away in plastic rubbermaid tubs. I felt so efficient and organized on the last camping excursion - maybe I should write a book! And when we camp, I only feel like I'm intruding on the squirrels and even with that, you throw them a couple of crackers and they don't see you as intruders anymore! Off we go.

Day Twenty-Three

It's probably been 30 years or more that I've held a fishing pole in my hands. My brothers are avid fishermen and have been doing so for many years along the East Carson River in Markleeville, CA. I'm not sure what possessed me, but, when asked to go along, I decided to see if I still had it. Don't get me wrong, I was once a fishing princess (after reawakening that old title with this recent experience I may become a fishing goddess). My brothers and I grew up fishing with my Dad and Mom along the East Fork of the Carson River. We always had a good time and I've walked away with many wonderful memories. Fishing is such a good sport and one that I think all children should be exposed to at least once in their lives. It teaches you organization, preparedness, independence, and most importantly, learning to think in ways that people don't usually attempt (how many times have you been asked, "What would the fish do?"). It also teaches you that it's ok to be alone, quiet and to appreciate nature and the outdoors and to preserve and protect it.

We didn't get off to a real early start, but early enough for a couple of old farts. It was rough going at first and I was a bit intimidated by my lack of skills, but after a few synapses in the fishing center of the brain, I remembered everything like it had never vanished. I had to borrow John's equipment and was woefully unprepared by my selection of footwear, but I did have my hat and sunscreen. My fisherman son, Eric, had sent his tackle box and a few odds and ends along with Jay one day to give to me in case I did actually go. Still, using someone else's tackle is like cooking in someone else's kitchen - it's just not the stuff you're familiar with. I knew I needed hooks as I was sure I would be losing a few at first. I had a little backpack to bring my water, bait and hooks in, but that was about all I could think of (I dug up a couple dozen nightcrawlers out of the garden before we took off). I quickly discovered I needed weights along with the hooks and after snagging the first line I threw in, had to walk back to where John was and grab some weights. Of course, he opened his fishing vest and had several sizes to choose from along with a nice pair of clamps, bait, several sizes of hooks, etc., etc., etc. I was once again, an amateur. Anyway, I set off in the opposite direction from John (maybe I didn't want him to get a good laugh at my expense) and quickly started wondering if I did the right thing in coming along. I felt like the fish out of water! For one thing, walking around on good sized rocks was a challenge, not to mention once I decided to actually walk in the stream. Then the real test came when it came time to cast the line. I had to get a quick lesson on how to operate the reel but it still seemed foreign and awkward. After a few rough casts, I realized that I needed to dig deep in the recesses of my memories. Could I remember the proper way to hold the pole, bait the hook with it tucked under my arm, get the line right where I wanted it - could I remember how to think like a fish? So, I stepped into the water - ah yes, this is right, I think I'm feeling it now. The rocks were slippery and after almost falling a couple of times, I did quickly step out thinking I better put my backpack on dry land since my iPhone was in it - something I didn't have to worry about 30 years ago. Stepping back into the water and almost slipping again, I finally got my footing. By the end of the day I was in water over my knees most of the time. But after casting into a few select spots along the river, the real challenge came - the part where you have to start thinking like a fish. If I were a fish, where would I want to hang out? John had said that since the water was low and it was mid morning, the fish like the faster water in cool areas where the water flows into and over the rocks and then pools on the underside. This is usually where the fish can get a lot of swift moving, cool water over its gills and where the food tends to flow by. By this time, I was casting pretty well, and after several snags and having to put new hooks and weights on, my hands were beginning to remember the techniques they had learned so well as a child.

My father and mother taught me to fish. We lived in the Bay Area and both of them lived to camp and fish on the weekends. They'd load us up early Saturday mornings and we would head to Grover's Hot Springs for a weekend of camping and fishing. By the time I was six years old, I was a totally self-contained fishing princess. I could bait my own hook, change the hook if necessary, add weights, get out of a snag, pull in the big one, and yes, I had my own vest! I would leave our campground after breakfast, fish by myself on the Markleeville Creek, (possible before the highly publicized child abductions of recent times), and bring my catch back to camp by lunch time. Sometimes we'd take the car and fish along the East Carson, but in the early days, you could pull some big ones out of the Markleeville Creek (my mom caught a 4 or 5 pound German Brown out of the same Creek). The good old days.

I was getting the hang of it again. It felt good. It felt familiar. And then it happened. I'd cast into some shallow running water and let my line fall into the current around some larger rocks just before the swift water slowed into a large pool. There were two currents running into this group of rocks and my line just naturally followed the current right into them. I felt the tug, saw the silver flash and the fight was on. Everything came rushing back to me. I let it bite, and pulled the line a little as if to tease it. It bit again and I kept the line taught. As soon as I felt the big tug, I jerked the line just enough to set the hook and began to reel him in. He put up a good fight and I just eased him into the shore and gently pulled him onto dry land. The hook had just caught his top lip but it was in there snug - there was no way he could have got away. After taking out the hook, I let him swim with my finger through his mouth and gill and I almost let him go. I felt sad that my fun had to come to the realization that I was about to kill something but my accomplishment felt like some sort of reaffirmation and I just had to show off my skill that I was sure I had lost. My brother had caught one as well, almost identical in size and I knew if we caught more, we'd be eating them for dinner. No such luck. Only two and I let him take mine home with him as I knew he'd have a nice meal off of it. I'm already thinking about "next time."

Day Twenty-Two

Well - we made it - today is my and my husband's 30th wedding anniversary. He even bought me a diamond necklace! It was touching as he had tears in his eyes when he handed it to me and told me he loved me. I look at this man who I have shared so much with and see him in a whole different light now that we are on our own and able to concentrate on what brought us together in the first place. You never lose those things that somehow seem to shine through when you first meet, those things that made you fall in love with this person in the first place, and end up taking a back seat while you're doing all the things that responsible people do with their lives. The children become the center - as it should be - but then, all of a sudden, you are once again toe-to-toe and rediscovering the depth of those things that brought you together and made you a couple. There were times when we felt so disconnected, so foreign to one another, and so adamantly opposed in our ideas. The differences in our likes, dislikes and reasons for existing seemed insurmountable and so far apart. But, miraculously, we were able to keep the divide as narrow as we could and even though things seemed stressed at times, we always knew we loved each other and that our relationship was worth fighting for - that the circle would close and feel whole again. I see such love in this man's eyes and believe it was always there but somehow I was too busy or distracted to notice it. I cannot now imagine my life without this man.

After a couple of appointments this afternoon, we drove up to Lake Tahoe and had an early afternoon dinner at a restaurant in Kings Beach which had a nice view of the Lake as we dined on the patio. After that, we went to Sand Harbor and actually went for a swim. It was fun to see the young families with children and quite frankly, we couldn't remember when we were there last but it was probably in the same situation as most of the couples there. As we were leaving, the car next to us was packing up the accoutrements of a day at the beach with two young children and we chuckled as we backed out and pulled up next to the back of their car. Mom was packing the children in the car and Dad was loading the back with all the stuff and caught our smiles as we went passed. Bob stopped and we said, "been there, done that." The guy laughed and commented how the toys took up more actual space than the kids. All I could think of was, "We're free, we're free." Now I know why birds push their chicks out of the nest at some point. It is really satisfying when you know you've done enough to get your kids the skills they need to survive. And what's even better, is when they come to visit us - we have the most amazing conversations! Oh, I still cry when I go through their photo albums but the memories that we've made together as a couple and a family will get us through the rest of our lives, and the memories we will be making now will be the sweetest of all.

Days Nineteen, Twenty and Twenty-One

I had a wonderful dinner on Friday night with two very delightful friends. We sat on the patio which was quite refreshing as the evening was a little warm. We started with a tray of pickled beets, cherry tomatoes from the greenhouse, English cucumber, a little salami, and some of the pickles I put up last weekend. We enjoyed a salad of romaine lettuce, garlic, olive oil and lemon juice dressing, a generous grating of parmesan cheese and some whole wheat croutons I had toasted. I love it because the croutons soak up the dressing (not to the point of being soggy however), and the parmesan gives it a little creaminess. Of course we had a bottle of wine - Moonstone Crossing Zin from Trinidad, California. I had also made some mini loaves of bread and they accompanied the meal quite nicely just dipped in olive oil. Chicken breasts and thighs were roasting in the oven with some broccoli in the same pan, drizzled with lemon olive oil and lemon/garlic seasoning, as our entree. A small bowl of seasoned brown rice went along well with everything. We began at 6pm and didn't leave the patio until 11pm. It was wonderful. (The loaf above is a regular sandwich size loaf of dill rye)

Farmer's Market on Saturday - no tomatillos yet, but the farmers at Workman Farms in Fallon (they will be supplying me with tomatillos) loved the jar of salsa I left for them last weekend. They wanted another jar and maybe I'll be able to barter the cases of tomatillos for the salsa! I probably should look into going into production or opening my own booth at next years market. It would be fun.

The weather seems a little cooler this morning - yesterday felt blistering. I was able to pick a few more summer squash from my garden and we should be having a nice patio dinner again tonight. Last night, it was just a salad and bottle of sauvignon blanc on the patio - just Bob and I. It was pretty warm but I had to come in when the downtown musicians got started with their punk rock concert. Usually, we don't hear too much but I think there was a bit of a breeze wafting the sound up our way. I love the evenings when we can sit and relax on the patio. It's wonderful to be able to enjoy the fruits of our labors in the backyard since we've done so much to make it our little sanctuary. There's something profound to be said about having a place that surrounds you with joy and beauty. It's good for the mind, the soul, and the body. It is also wonderful for a relationship that is now going on 30 years! Tomorrow will be our 30th wedding anniversary and I'm not sure I want to do anything to celebrate but be in the backyard again. You have to enjoy it while you can - same thing with marriage.

Days Seventeen and Eighteen

Yesterday was all about applique. It was very relaxing to sit and create but I also noticed today that the intense focus on hand work was rather taxing to my body. I don't realize it when I'm in the throws of working on a specific sewing task, but I must tense up my muscles while doing it that I don't feel the "burn" until the next day - and it's not a good burn. It's amazing how many little pains seem to creep in when I'm not paying attention to the need to physically relax. Yes, I have been rather distracted by the need to spiritually relax but physical relaxation is just as important. Today I'm going to take a walk just to make sure the body is getting the oxygen it needs and maybe that will move some of the toxins around because I'm sure they've settled in over the last couple of days of just sewing.I have to say though, my purses are beautiful and the attention to detail is something I find a certain satisfaction in. Pretty soon my friends will be calling me Pursey Galore!

If there is an agenda to be had in this adventure then today it is bread-making. I've got a loaf going and added some mushroom/sage olive oil to the dough mix. It smells delightful. I hope there's enough moisture in the air today to give it some glue. Sometimes, if the weather is rather dry, the bread ends up being a little dry as well, at least for me. So, while I'm finishing up the final touches to purse #3, the bread will be a-baking.

I try to incorporate wool into all my designs. The veggie purse is wool squares with the

applique in each square. The pink purse is a small quilt my mom did and I did the quilting on it but it was very small so I cut it up and put it together with wool strips. The top flap lifts and has a small zippered pocket. My fingers are killing me though - I've done a lot of hand stitching as I believe it adds an element of quality to each project. It also helps me to slow down and the outcome truly reflects it. I love them. So, on to the next one.

Day Sixteen

Now that I'm home most of the day, once in a while I'll click on Dr. Phil or Oprah to found out what the newest self help fad is and discover the title of the book everyone needs to buy in order to get the quick fix. It's astonishing to me to see how commercialized and materialized peace and contentment in one's own life has become. Finding sacredness in one's life can be a daunting task if it's approached as something "to get out of the way" or a chore that needs to be finished before moving on to the next thing. There is no formula. There is no solution that fits all. Peace and contentment, and purpose for that matter, is not pret a porter. Being able to be still and listen to what the heart is saying is the first step to finding the sacredness particular to any one person. Too many distractions make it difficult to reflect and I truly believe these self help gurus are just that - a distraction. Sorry Dr. Phil. Sorry Oprah. The world does not need either of you. The solutions are within each of us and it only takes a minute of introspection to start the ball rolling. Quiet introspection, without the pressure of an outcome, soon leads to the discovery of those things which make a person whole.

The things that have always been important to me always seem to miraculously come back into my life after they've been set aside for other pursuits. They attempt to creep in when I'm too busy, but I'm usually not paying attention to them - too many distractions - and so the important things don't have a chance. It's easy to mindlessly wander through life. It's easy to enjoy each and every moment if you allow each moment to be tasted, savored, and pondered. Life is just like eating. You can devour through it or you can enjoy each bite.

Speaking of taste, Bob and I had a wonderfully light and savory dinner last evening. A hand crafted corn tortilla with a few pinto beans, habanero turkey sausage and just a bit of cheddar cheese to add a little fat layer on top, heated in the microwave, and then finished with a few just picked cherry tomatoes from the greenhouse, my killer fresh tomatillo salsa, and a little tillamook sourcream, was just the ticket. No sugar added mixed fresh berries, over-ripe frozen bananas, and 8oz of nonfat peach yogurt, all blended up the previous day and frozen over night made a nice sorbet for dessert.

Days Twelve, Thirteen, Fourteen & Fifteen

I really lost my focus after that job interview. It's not that I was agonizing about it - going over the questions and responses in my head, second guessing myself, wondering if I would be offered the position - the whole routine I had begun to establish was suddenly interrupted by the world I have been trying to escape. It's taken me a few days to quiet down again and regain the focus. It seemed that the need to "do" had crept back in and I ended up keeping myself very busy over these past few days - not really taking the time to sit and reflect and just enjoy being and not doing. Just taking a few deep breaths helped. Right now I have my classical playlist going - Mozart's Adagio in E Major, which I will forget until I hear it again - and watching the birds out the window. There are so many starlings, sparrows, western finch, quail, dove, mountain jays and house finch. It's been such a pleasure to watch them interact with one another, bathe in the fountain and devour the birdseed we've set out in several feeders and the stuff we scatter on the ground for the birds that like to scavenge. Bob and I have enjoyed many hours sitting in our viewing chairs in front of the big windows. The fountain in directly in front of the windows and the feeders have been strategically placed to affect a good view. We have the perfect theater seats.

The nights and mornings are noticeably cooler and the early mornings are not to be missed by sleeping in. A good cup of tea, soft music, and the morning bird viewing is a real treat. I don't know what's better, the soft music or the sound of the water pouring from the bamboo tube into the fountain pot and listening to it flow out of the pot and onto the rocks. The sound of water has always been very soothing to me - whether it's the ocean, stream, or rain, it's all good. Cooler temperatures always motivate me to work in the kitchen. Cooking is never a chore anymore but something I look forward to as a creative process. After the farmer's market on Saturday, I came home and hunted for a pickle recipe as I had purchased a couple of pounds of pickling cucumbers. It was enough to pack five one pint jars for the easy task of putting up refrigerator pickles. I had some East Indian curry pickle relish that I had made about a year ago and so I put a couple of tablespoons of that in the bottom of each pickle jar, along with fresh dill purchased from the farmer's market, garlic and some hot peppers. After cooking the brine solution and pouring over the cucumbers packed in the jars, they need to sit out for a couple of days in order to sour and then they just go into the refrigerator. No need to wait a long time, they can be eaten anytime. I like them nice and cold. We'll see how they turn out. I've never done pickles before. I also bought some large stuffing summer squash which I scooped out to remove the large seeds and created a nice bowl for the main ingredients. After blanching the hollowed out squash, I stuffed them with a mixture of browned sausage, fresh corn off the cob, chopped red bell pepper and purple onion, some fresh oregano, bread crumbs and beef broth. I then layered them on top of stale french bread slices drizzled with olive oil, topped the stuffed squash with a big thick slice of tomato and finished the whole casserole with havarti cheese and olive oil. I baked it at 375 for about 45 minutes and then removed the foil to brown the tomatoes and cheese. It was delicious. I had also boiled up some beets I bought at the farmer's market and mixed those with purple onion rings, salt, pepper, grapeseed oil, balsamic vinegar and the fresh chopped dill left over from the pickles. That sat in the refrigerator for a day and wow, was a taste treat. We had a 2006 Syrah from Mt. Aukum that paired nicely. It's so wonderful to have fresh vegetables - I just wish I could get them more often as our growing season is so short!

Day Eleven

I have mixed emotions as to whether or not today was successful or a set back in terms of my journey to find contentment. I did have my interview but agonized over it last night and most of the morning. I was relieved when it ended and I walked out of the building reminding myself that I am still free of the fear and stress associated with employment. I can't say the interview was good, nor can I say it was bad. I do know that I have felt a level of satisfaction lately that I have never felt before in my life and it feels good. I know that I want to discover the depths of that satisfaction and continue on this journey. There is a part of me, however, that still needs the confirmation of others and my self worth still cowers at the thought of rejection. I'm not sure I would accept the job even it were offered. It's almost as if I need one last victory before I take myself out of the game. The funny thing is, I've never been concerned about the game and I wonder what part of me is clinging to the realm of the fake, forced and conforming me.

Day Ten

Oh my, what a difference a day makes! Got a call from a state agency yesterday inquiring whether or not I want to interview for a grants/analyst position they have open. This is the same agency that I interviewed with before on another grants position dealing with renewable energy jobs. I was very excited at the time as I am very interested in the subject area. It would have been a "from the ground up" position - I could have readily sunk my teeth into that but was not offered the job. Now, they are calling again for another interview. It caught me totally by surprise as I hadn't thought anything would become available for a very long time and, quite frankly, am not in the hunt for a job. So, I said I would interview on Thursday! Whaaaaat? I feel my creativity already stymied.

My eldest son came for dinner - we sat on the patio and finished up some East Indian dal I had made several days ago that included veggies in the meatless stew that is sopped up with some Middle Eastern flat bread and a couple of mahi mahi fillets pan fried in garlic relish. Nice conversation and shared some gardening ideas I found in Fine Gardening and Organic Gardening and then he was off to head on to his own home. I'm so proud of him that he has done so well - paid for graduate school himself and managed to save enough money to buy a house. It's interesting to see him settled down in his own home, thinking of trees to plant, painting the trim on his house, and talking some passive solar improvements. For someone who I thought we would never see again in this part of the world after he finished high school, he's come back, bought a house, has a good career and seems like he's enjoying himself right now. I do see some signs of restlessness however. I know he would like to be on his own as far as career is concerned but this job will give him a great start and he can get his ducks in a row in the meantime if he plans on going out on his own at sometime. There's always been a bit of entrepreneurial spirit in both my boys and I hope it bodes well for them someday. There's nothing like working for yourself.

Day Nine

Before I left my most recent employment, I sent myself an email from work to remind me why, exactly, leaving my job was essential. I knew that if I just quit, without a plan, I would soon begin feeling guilty that I was not gainfully employed and, once again, convince myself that a career is necessary to be a productive, contributing member of society. A career gives a person worth. At least, that's the impression that I get from others. That's never been the case for me. My home and family gives me worth. The things I do in the garden give me worth. The little tasks that I create for myself give me worth. In other words, it's definitely not work. This is what I wrote to myself:

Plan the day each and every day. Have meaningful things to do, write them down and check them off. Start with small tasks. If large tasks become intimidating, break them into small parts and check them off as you go. Don’t feel like you have to finish a large task before you can go on to something else. If you can only tackle small things on any one day, do that! Don’t go for the big stuff until you feel successful enough to handle something bigger. Find beauty in everything you do and do it the best way you can. There is no need to hurry. Try a new recipe, perfect breadmaking, paint, sew, read, relax, look out the window and sip your tea. Find that perfect scone recipe you’ve been looking for. Work on the family history one person at a time. Start with your father as you are a lot like him – driven, anxiety filled, hard working, loving, and have a subtle humor. Remember you are loved and remember to love – you have a wonderful family and great friends. Worth comes from the heart. What makes the heart sing is what makes life important and meaningful. It is what gives us life and what we give to life. Now I must give life to my plants and do my morning watering as I see the tomatoes look a little wilted. After watering, I'll need to check on the canellini beans simmering on the stove. I soaked them overnight, drained the water and put a couple of bay leaves with the beans, salt and pepper, and lots of fresh water. They should be ready after about 20 to 25 minutes. It doesn't take long if they're soaked first.

I ended up picking some young chard out of the garden while watering the veggies. I'll cook those down in some broth made from an old hambone I've had in the freezer and then add the beans to the mixture which should yield a nice soup for this evening. I have some old crusty dark rye I'll paint with olive oil and put in the oven for croutons - a nice topping to the soup. A little fresh oregano might be a tasty addition to the soup. Can't wait for dinner.

Day Eight

Not much going on today which is just fine with me. I was able to do some reading and picked up one of the books I'm working through, Trustee from the Toolroom, by Neville Shute. Bob stayed home as he wasn't feeling very good this morning. I think the pollen count must be up in our area once again as I have been feeling extremely tired and sluggish lately. My throat was a bit on the rough side but now, it seems to be targeted at my eyes - they sting and itch constantly.

I did get a chance to do some more sewing. I had this quilted wallhanging that I didn't much like as I didn't think it was visually interesting enough to hang on a wall. So, I ended up designing this bag from the quilt. It's good and beefy mainly due to the fact that it is constructed as a quilt - three layers of materials. I put a hard bottom on it sandwiched between two layers of the quilt material. There's a drawstring at the top and it's large enough to use as an overnight bag. I still have some of the quilt left over so I'll probably make a small wallet-like purse

to store inside. It was fun and I'm glad to have found a use for the unfinished wallhanging.

The weather seems as though it's cooled off a bit. Hopefully, this will give the vegetables the impetus to perform another growth surge as they tend to stagnate when it gets real hot. I know the lettuce likes cool soil. I'm planning on doing another planting toward the end of this month - cool vegetables such as lettuce, broccoli, peas and some of the herbs do well under cooler temperature conditions. I just need to make sure I have enough growing time between the interval when I begin to plant again and the predicted first frost date. The tomatoes in the greenhouse are doing fantastic and I hope to be able to keep them going even after the first frost hits.

I'm going to mulch and newspaper parts of the front lawn as soon as autumn hits so the lawn will die and compost through the winter to be ready for spring planting. I'm so tired of lawn!!!! Next spring a front deck project and the relocation of the roses are in order. Looks like I won't be going back to work anytime soon - oh darn.

Day Seven

We had a wonderful evening on the patio last night with our eldest son who came for dinner. We roasted veggies on the barbeque that had been marinated in pesto and olive oil, along with a few turkey sausages. The potatoes I picked from the garden ended up in a warm potato salad with browned proscuitto, french mustard, wild mushroom and sage olive oil, chopped red onion and some fresh oregano. We also had a plate of sliced tomatoes from the farmer's market, with chunks of marinated fresh mozarella and fresh basil leaves, drizzled with balsamic and olive oil. I made a fresh berry sorbet for dessert. It was wonderful. Our son stayed the night so that he could go into work first thing in the morning (needed to do some overtime) and we all got up this morning before he left and took a walk down by the river. We wanted to show him a deck built on the back of a house along the walking path which we think would be a good design for the backyard deck he is contemplating building onto his home. There were several people walking their dogs, a very loud bullfrog, the usual birds we encounter and the ones we sometimes hear but don't see.

After our walk, Bob and I headed out to Borders for our magazine perusal and when we came home I heated up the potato and leek soup I made the other day. We finished that off with a havarti cheese, brown mustard, roasted eggplant and pastrami panini (we split it). Sitting at the window having our lunch and watching the birds have theirs is always relaxing. After finishing, I got up to put my dishes away and heard a soft thud at the window and noticed a small western finch had launched itself into the window and was flapping around in the rocks under the fountain. It was wedged between the rocks and probably would have slide through the rock grate and into the holding tank below the fountain so I hurried out and gently lifted it from the trap. It was clearly stunned, chirping steadily, and breathing heavily. I held it between my cupped hands and it slowly lowered its head, resting its beak on my fingers. It was still breathing steadily but no longer chirping. So, I eased myself into a comfortable position with the bird still in my hands and watched it for several minutes while its eyes slowly closed. But, I knew it was still alive as it would blink every once in awhile. It also seemed tuned into the calls from the other birds in the yard so I just continued to hold it in my still hands. At any moment it seemed it was going to expire but continued to hold on. Its beak wasn't broken but I was fearful that the impact may have broken the neck. My husband came out and as we began to talk softly, the bird began to lift its head and became very alert. It was still lying in my hands, its body motionless, but turned its head. We were both encouraged by its movements. The next thing I knew, Bob had returned with the camera to snap a shot of nurse Jean, and the bird, hearing his footsteps in the gravel of the path, took flight into the trees. Bob was disappointed he didn't get the pic, but we were both grateful that the little finch didn't lose its life at the hands of our window. So, today was very successful and the little bird lived happily ever after. The End.