Day Six

Last night was a refreshing break from the hotter temperatures we've been experiencing. At about 11pm I had to turn the fan off and pull up the cotton weave blanket over us. I love it when the nights begin to take on that early morning coolness. I still have trouble sleeping through the night, although it's not disruptive enough to facilitate the need to actually get up. My mind gets involved in keeping me awake and I have trouble falling back to sleep but I eventually dip into slumber again. After repeating this process several times through the night and then, as it gets closer to early morning, I fall into the best sleep of the night and end up rising at about 8am.

This morning Bob and I walked to the Farmer's Market on 3rd St., after I finished up watering the garden. I could smell the moisture still lingering in the air and enjoyed doing a cursory inventory of the vegetables yet to come. I did buy some large vine ripened tomatoes this morning and can't wait to dig into them with some fresh mozarella, fresh basil leaves, a little parmegiano regiano grated over the top and drizzled with some of the flavored olive oil I bought in Murphy's last weekend and then finished with a bit of balsamic. Gosh, it's only 11am and I'm already salivating. I have a large beet boiling on the stove and will probably cut it up and roast it along with the summer squash and eggplant I also brought home with the tomatoes. I'm thinking a pasta dish would be good for dinner but I do have some little potatoes I dug out of the ground yesterday so I might think of something to do with them instead of pasta. I have some turkey sausages that I will roast as well. A bottle of Cantiga's oakless chardonnay is going to go in the refrigerator in a minute. My son called yesterday and informed me of a solar hot water heater workshop today and wants to meet his father and I there for the presentation. Afterwords, we'll all have dinner on the patio. This is what I look forward to most. There is nothing more peaceful and enjoyable than going through the activities of in preparation for an evening in the garden, eating with my family and sharing our thoughts and experiences. There's truly nothing I enjoy more.

Day Five

Over the years I've attempted to keep several journals, writing down thoughts relating to my state of mind and life, as well as events taking place during the intervals, but never really was able to keep up with the task of actually writing. This morning, after walking downtown to get my hair cut, I gathered up the old journals (the ones I actually have left) and thought I would begin to read through them. Some of my thoughts ended up written out on pieces of paper that ended up just stuck in various journals I was keeping at thetime. The one I opened this morning contained many issues startlingly similar to many of the issues I am now tackling at this juncture in my life. I guess sometimes certain feelings just don't go away or resolve themselves on their own - amazing. I think it's always been my hope that feelings and behaviors, like wounds, heal themselves. The only difference now is the fact that I doindeed intend to salve the old wounds - no more picking at the scab.

One of the major issues I've faced is the fact that I tend to expect certain things from others regarding their behavior. With all the experiences I've had with people not living up to my expectations, you'd think I would have gotten the message a long time ago. The only person I have a right to expect certain behavior from is myself. It's no

t been my way to try to imitate others or live a certain way. Finding my path has been difficult however - the focus now will be on listening, watching and seeking out the behaviors of others who are holy (not in the religious sense but the spiritual) and to learn from them. Incorporating beliefs into my own life which are meaningful and those which I feel to be right and wholesome is important to me. It's not necessary to "go" somewhere or "read" something to free the spirit - it is humble and needs nothing special or store bought. It becomes indispensable to the soul to dismiss materialism and avoid overeating and drinking in order to be free from the distractions that provide a barrier to real discovery. Pay special attention to the needs of the immediate family and don't have expectations of others. Meaningful change will come, as well as enlightenmen

t if the desire for it becomes a part of everyday life. Not everything will be clear all of the time. Explore the art of living, explore the life within, and be still. Ignore the behaviors of others that tend to annoy and don't judge or dismiss them because of their behavior. Everyone is on a journey and the journeys are varied. Mine is no better than another's - but it is mine and deserves my respect and attention.

"Do not contend - live in a good place, keep your mind deep, treat others well, stand by your word, make fair rules, do the right thing, work when its time." Taoism

Day Four

So many extraordinary women at my patio table last night for my Wine Down Wednesday! I feel so privileged to have among my circle of friends such caring, giving people who, even with adversities in their own lives, seem to continue to give so much to those around them. Their families owe so much to them, the community thrives from their efforts, and I hope they all know how much better this world is with them in it.

At times it feels a little intimidating to have such successful women friends. Considering my struggle to find what it is that gives me meaning and value, I still feel that women who have careers have somehow discovered the secret to finding much worth and value from those activities - a search I have put much energy into which has resulted in no satisfactory conclusion as if a cosmic joke. For some reason, I believe someone or something is having a good laugh at my expense. It's ironic that someone with so much desire and passion cannot quite get it together long enough to create the means necessary to actually satisfy those wants and desires. And yet, my premise has always been that money only makes one comfortable - it does nothing to actually satisfy the soul. Having to struggle for a day to day existence and meeting the simple needs of food, water, shelter and clothing, if you really think about it, doesn't take much. I've read Henry David Thoreau's, Walden, several times and marvel at a simplicity of daily life which, on a more modern level, would satisfy many of us and provide the means to pursue those things, buried deep in the heart, just waiting to make a person truly happy. Living such an inward life is scary to many of us used to being busy all the time, leaving us with no opportunities to delve deep into our lives and the meaning of it all, and I'm sure there are those of us who strategically avoid the introspection. Maybe there isn't any meaning - something even more problematic perhaps. This is my journey. I must discover it myself, in my own time, and my own way. Go slow, be open to anything, listen intently and stop thinking my words are worth other people's time - they are only important to me. Be kind, gentle and move deliberately. Live simply. This is my attempt to make this my mantra for the next 361 days.

Day Three

Lots of sunshine this morning so watering was a must. I can still see that the ground is moist from the rain two days ago which is nice because the watering I do today will be able to soak through the soil much better. I did get another tomato and a medium size pattypan squash. I've already started to saute the leeks and the potatoes are cooking - it's going to be potato leek soup for the hubby when he returns from Las Vegas on Thursday or Friday. It's one of his favorites. I like to use little red potatoes, ones that aren't too red, and cook them with their skins on. Once all the ingredients are ready, I just put them through the blender and the color of the potato skins gives the soup a wonderful blush hue. With the little bit of green from the leeks, the soup is really rather pleasing to the eye. I'll top it off with some locally grown oyster mushrooms and a drizzle of truffle oil. With some crusty french bread that's all you need for dinner (a little white wine is optional although I am chilling a bottle of Cantiga's oakless chardonnay).

Yesterday was my pottery class and I was able to bring home several pieces recently glazed and fired. This is one I did by hand using the coil method (no wheel) and then carved my designs into it. The bottom has fish and wavy water lines on it. I'm doing

another one now with crickets carved on the bottom. It seems the addition of texture into my works is important to my finished product. I think it's the organic quality of texture added to pottery that makes the piece exciting - for me anyway. I also like doing my pillow vases which is the one in the picture at the top. There are three holes in the top where flowers can be inserted.

I'm mixing up some lavender/orange biscotti right now and will soon cook up the wine cookies for my "Wednesday Wine Down" with the girls at my home this evening. I love my girlfriends and value their wit and wisdom. They are truly indispensable and without them, my life would not be as rich and safe.

Day Two

I didn't necessarily have to water this morning as we had a wonderful thunderstorm yesterday that soaked the ground. Although I didn't have an actual task to perform, my morning routine wasn't overly disrupted. I was able to enjoy my tea at the window sitting in our "viewing" chairs, watching the birds eat and drink, and listening to my wonderful fountain. The sound of water just does something to the soul - it's very quieting.

The smells were also wonderful. Since the window is open in front of the chairs, the cool, wet smell of yesterday's rain was still wandering through the air. It's amazing how moisture awakens so many scents in

arid environments. They must lie there dormant for so long waiting to be released, and when that first visit of moisture finally comes in the middle of summer and sets them free, they give all of their being to us to enjoy. How much sweeter those scents of summer are when they are few and far between!

Sitting and listening to my classical playlist and thinking about our Scotland trip in October gives me a pleasure I can hardly relate. I read through the section in the travel book describing the Scottish Highlands and can almost imagine myself there already. There is no full itinerary and I have purposely left it that way. We'll have a couple of days in London when we first fly in and a couple of days to fill between there and our five days in Edinburgh that I have reservations for. After that, it's going to be spontaneous and dependent upon the weather. I would still like to spend at least four days in Dublin but we'll see what happens in Scotland - we may just love it too much to divert our attentions elsewhere. Maybe Ireland will have to be a separate trip. I only know that I am so looking forward to this adventure and there is no one better to travel with than Bob.

Maybe a walk by the river is in order today. The skies are clear and yet it's still a little cool. I just looked out the window and the western finches are all over the fountain!

My husband and I have always enjoyed gardening, probably because our parents, to different degrees, enjoyed it as well. As far back as I can remember my parents always had a garden and beautiful yard full of flowers and yummy edibles. Now more than ever, gardening has become an enjoyment beyond description for me. I get up in the morning and have my tea, take my cup outside and begin the routine of watering. First the greenhouse, then I move on to the flowers and ground cover around the edge of the lawn, the bushes and then on to the vegetables. I began gardening in half wine barrels about five years ago which I set on concrete pier blocks to elevate a bit so I didn't have to crawl around or bend over so much. It works pretty well, but I do have to water a bit more in the height of the summer. Today, I dug up the potatoes from the plants that had been eaten top down by the earwigs. I still have several potato plants that the earwigs have not gotten to so I'll leave them in to keep producing. Once the potato plant tops are gone, the potatoes need to be harvesting or they will begin to sprout or go bad. Usually plants are harvested closer to the fall but, as you can see, I was able to harvest some wonderful little spuds from the critter dessimated plants. The potatoes are creamy, beautifully white, and sublime tasting. A few green beans, some pan browned proscuitto, fresh thyme and oregano, drizzled with a little olive oil, and accompanied by a chicken breast in wine and thyme reduction - sounds like dinner! And oh, can't forget the bread from Shatts that I picked up this morning on my walk. Must say this day has been sweet, and will get even sweeter after I put the Cantiga Oakless Chardonnay in the refrigerator while I begin the prep.

Day One

Finally admitting that chasing "job and career" was not going to fill the continuing void in my existence and give me the meaning I had been looking for, I quit my job as a Grants and Project Analyst (a title I had been coveting for several years) and opted to bring joy to my life by embracing the idea of just "being." My life has been a constant movement of doing - doing this, doing that, trying to hard to find what I could do to make me satisfied and content. The problem was, everything I did or tried to do actually made me dissatisfied and discontented, as I was always searching and looking for the next challenge, task, or distraction from the real void in living without stillness. And yes, this realization does involve the task of blogging, but I've always been a visual person and I hope to be reminded constantly through this story and the visual images I intend to post of the journey of stillness I am beginning.