My Old Lady Fur Baby

I'm sitting here in a dark living room after scrolling through the 16 or so television stations we get with our antenna only, realizing that I probably wouldn't find anything worth watching even if we had cable. The only sound is a little wind once in awhile as the chimes sway, the heater clicking on, and my old lady dog snoring. It's funny to listen to her as her repertoire of sounds actually do sound like my husband's nocturnal rumblings now and then. Her breathing begins to get louder and louder, more rapid, then comes the chorus, which usually ends with the crescendo SNORT! I guess it kinda wakes her up and so she starts the process all over. I can't fault her though as she turned 10 during the summer and her health is not that good. It's tough for a dog to survive being hit by a car when she was young which has led to some medical issues. The arthritis is taking hold and the fact that she has also developed cushings disease has not helped her grow old gracefully. It's very sorrowful to realize that she is in the winter of her years. Ten years goes by so fast for us and it seems like just yesterday I brought her home as a rescue. She still makes me smile and it warms my heart to know she is growing old with us. I'm glad her bed is memory foam, by the fire and has become her favorite place to be. With all the joy she has brought to our home, I am happy I can provide her some comfort and love as she ages. Meggie, you are quite the dog.

I've been potting like a mad woman - no, not as in transplanting plants nor smoking dope, I've been making lots of functional pottery after learning how to throw pots on the wheel. Hand building was my main technique and creating garden totems has been the focus of my clay creations for quite awhile now, but since I finally decided to try my hand at throwing a couple of months ago, I have been hooked on bowls and cups. I took a class at Sierra Nevada College with a visiting teacher from San Jose. It was a week long intensive and my body certainly focused itself on the "intensive" nature of a week long workshop. The teacher was awesome and I learned so, so much. Now, I'm cranking 'em out and experimenting with glazes. I have a synthetic salt glaze from Laguna that I've been carefully applying to some of the bisqueware with some interesting results. At this point, I think pottery is keeping me somewhat sane considering the upcoming Presidential election and the police and black civilian shootings in the news of late.

I enjoyed reading this article on the relationship we all have to the food we put in our mouths. I know that I have a relationship that requires some shifting. The realm of the kitchen and good meals has always been a part of my life. My mother was an exceptional cook and her father was a chef who owned two restaurants in Glendale and Burbank, CA. I've enjoyed cooking savory and healthy meals for my family and friends. My weight has always been an issue but I was able to keep it at a healthy level and, when needed, lost the pounds that crept on as my life got busier and busier. My physical activities were important and I loved playing tennis which I did consistently until my body starting exhibiting some aches and pains that interfered with the ability to continue. I was still able to keep the weight at an acceptable level, but as I got older, I no longer felt the pressure to monitor it. The real blow happened after Eric's death when the only joy became cooking and eating. The only things that helped me escape the deep sorrow involved food. Now, I am no longer willing to continue with this unhealthy substitution and want to change the relationship. With that said, I began my google search of suggestions on how to begin to approach eating and cooking in a conscious way. I want to be "conscious" of what I put in my body and "why" I do it.

While reading "Awakening Your Intuitive Relationship with Food," I was impressed with the simplicity of the suggestions and the absence of long explanations of personal accounts. But, I felt there was still something missing for me and realized that it centered around the reasons why I have relied on food to give me relief from suffering.

Awaken Your Intuitive Relationship to Food

Awaken Your Intuitive Relationship to Food: In today’s food-obsessed culture we’re inundated with people talking about the benefits of going vegan, eating gluten-free, removing sugar from our diets and more. While all these choices might be excellent health options, oftentimes they’re presented in the form of “guilt marketing.”

Another beautiful day in the neighborhood. I love that declaration used by Mr. Rogers at each and every beginning of his children's show. What a great way to begin each day, especially when you're a child. Both of my boys watched Mr. Rogers Neighborhood and Sesame Street. Jay was strictly a Sesame Street kid - high energy, stimulating content with lot's of emphasis on classical preparatory learning. Eric, on the other hand, was exclusively a Mr. Roger's kinda guy. Mr. Roger's was soft, gentle, and kind. His learning style was laid back and focused on the things that made a person a good human being. I loved to watch the shows with the boys and always marveled at the wonder in their eyes as we watched. It sure beat the shows I watched as a child. Mr. Green Jeans wasn't bad, but Nurse Nancy was dismal, and the cartoons were sometimes more for the adults that the children. I did get a kick out of watching my Dad break out in laughter at scenes from the Road Runner. I think he amused me more than the actual show. My Dad was a great laugher. He had all different styles of laugh depending on the situation. It was almost as though the laugh itself indicated what type of funny was being elicited.

The sun feels so good coming in through the window. I love sitting in front of the windows looking out on the backyard. In the winter months, I can see a lot of the Pinion Hills and the position of the sun's rising is quite dramatic if you follow it over a horizon during the seasons. Even the moon's appearance in the evenings is interesting to follow. We can turn off all the lights in the house and sit at the window and watch it come up behind the leafless winter trees. When our boys were little and we lived out on our acre in Johnson Lane, we would get our lawn chairs and sit in the back of the pick up truck in the driveway and watch the moon rise over Mount Seagle off to the east. Even the dog would join us. We must have looked like the Beverly Hillbillies! Those were the days - I'd do them all over again if I could.

Although today was one of those days, weatherwise, you'd like to see more often, I'm worried that we may not get much precipitation for the next month or so which is so critical to the growing season. More seeds have sprouted in the greenhouse and I'm tempted to sprinkle some lettuce and kale seeds in the wine barrels as both are cold weather crops. If they could get a good start, even if it did snow again, I'd still be able to harvest those crops on an ongoing basis for the rest of the winter, through the spring months. I've been growing a Russian dwarf kale which does very well here in the cool of the spring and the heat of the summer. It's very hardy and doesn't bolt easily. I guess I should give it a try and maybe that will prompt the weather gods to have a good laugh and send another storm our way. I did start some sprouts in the greenhouse as well today. I just put a wet paper towel in a plastic tray, sprinkled some sprouting seeds on the paper towel (I really like broccoli and radish sprouts), and put another wet paper towel right on top of the seeds.

I've got bread in the oven right now and Bob's taking a nap on the couch. I love these quiet days filled with the simplicities of life. The time just moseys by. Cooking is so enjoyable as well. This morning was a one egg omlette with grated zucchini and fresh basil with pan fried potatoes. Lunch was stuffed chard leaves. I went to WinCo last week and I couldn't pass up the huge chard leaves. I had made chana masala and also biryani rice, so I took the leftovers of both, combined them together and stuffed the chard leaves. The leaves were so big I had to cut them in half to make nice small rolls. They almost resembled dolma. A red sauce with rainbow bell peppers and onions covered the top. They were delicious just heated in the microwave with a little grated parmesan. I am committed to making good, wholesome food which includes lots of vegetables and whole grains. We've really cut back on our consumption of animal protein in the last couple of years and I include fresh fish as often as possible. It's interesting because I've noticed that during this time, my kitchen does not get as dirty - no animal protein grease! Op, the buzzer just went off - hot bread in our immediate future.

Two weekends ago, Bob and I recovered the greenhouse frame with plastic, tucked in all the edges and taped them secure. We wrapped the outside with rope (a trick I learned from volunteering at the high school greenhouse project), bought some seed trays and a heat mat. I also made a candle powered flower pot heater that I ran across on Youtube. Fun. It's been eight days since I planted a quite large selection of seeds. Low and behold, out I go to water this morning and check on the progress of my potential crop and there they are, two little green leaves forming already! I am so excited. I don't think there's anything more fulfilling than growing things you can eat. It's an amazing thing to think that the earth that gave us life, also gives the means by which to sustain that life. I marvel at the fact that once again, my feet touched the earth this morning and gravity grounds me there. Plants on the other hand, need a system of roots and leaves to sustain themselves, whereas many species are free to roam the earth with only the help of gravity. We depend on these rooted plants to aid in our existence, but we don't give much thought to the forces of physics that keep us firmly rooted on the ground.

Take a moment and think about it. When you rise in the morning and take that first step, imagine the whole of the earth underfoot, the magnitude of what you are standing on and the force that keeps you there. Really feel the earth with each step taken and know that you are just a very small part of it. Be grateful that it's there to offer you support and safety as you make your way through the day. Imagine also, that someday you will become a part of it and return to the place whence you came. It's humbling. It's comforting. It's inevitable. That's why the spirituality of the Native American Indian reveres the ground so powerfully. The desire to return to the place of your creation is the center of that spirituality. Through this, maybe we can all understand why the earth is held so dear to our Indian brothers and sisters.

I feel so tired, of what exactly, I can't articulate. Everyday tasks seem so daunting, unmotivating and robotic. I'm going through the motions of something that is not mine, strictly defined by me, but something I don't want but can't shed. The past five years have been such a search for spirituality, constantly reading, listening and exploring. Maybe the time has come to listen to the mind - this very powerful part of the human creature that somehow, miraculously, is us.

Life is change, constant, unending, almost rhythmic at times, and yet not always discernable. But if you open your mind to change, recognize it's ever present nature and embrace its mystery, it becomes a comforting fact. Some of the changes may not be welcome. Some are an unconscious relief.  Our bodies change everyday. We age, we see the wrinkles, the sagging skin, the aches and pains are more prevalent and sometimes we suffer disease. And yet, our minds can become more fluid, we can discover openmindedness, we learn to forgive easily and the anger subsides. The mind may lose its sharpness, but with its rounding, we can experience a gentleness and acceptance. Some of these changes are necessary to endure the pain that life has brought to us. Some are necessary to understanding of life's journey. Impermanence is the essence of life.

I believe I have moved into a stage of my life where, if I am going to understand my experiences in this lifetime, my world must be quieted. The most joy of reflection I find is to be in my surroundings without distraction. My journey over the last five years has been one of a lot of noise - the noise of seeking and hoping for answers in the noise that comes at me from the outside. This morning, I am sitting in front of my east window and relishing the sun on my face, not thinking of the agenda for the day, but just feeling and listening to the marvelous earth that I place my feet on, because today, my feet are still here and someday they will not be.

I can't change what's happened, although at times wish with all my heart I could. I can only guide what happens to me next, and even that becomes a lesson in futility. I can eat healthily, exercise, still my mind and my tasks, not be so driven to "do" but just "be." I think I have finally come to the realization that it's ok to just be. Now is the time to simplify, make what's left of my journey in this world lighter. There are many things I do and there are times I wish there was just one thing, or even nothing that I could focus on. But I was born with these things in me. I've always felt a need to share and experience the things I can do. They, however, must not consume me and I must give myself time to be still and reflect, to take care of myself both physically and mentally. For, in the end, it is not what we leave behind that is so important, it is how we have connected our mind and body to the earth that has given us life, the ability to love and to accept love. It is recognizing the inner connectedness of all of us that gives us meaning.

It is time to quiet the mind and ponder this experience called life. Prepare the body for the road ahead and ask of it things it can do without burden. Lighten its burden. Understand it has worked hard to get you where you are today. Clean out the pantry of indulgences and gather those things that will be gentle on its tasks. Don't wait until the body tells you it is tired and needs a lessening of the things we ask of it. The same is for the mind. Lessen the chains of direction and let it free. This I plan for the retirement of mind and body.

Another year has breezed by with such limpid zest and disinterest that I know not how to distinguish one day from the next. I've tried to delve into projects or past motivations that seem to have no impact on my search for distraction. Even words are becoming harder and harder to come by. My thoughts seem to flow ever so mysteriously to worlds that no longer exist - times gone by and people who are no longer living. Now all those desires I worked so hard at squeezing from this life are superimposed on the lives of the people who are gone before me. It's become a constant game of wondering what those people were able to get out of life before their deaths. I think about the plane crash that took the life of my cousin, Jack, when he was 24, and how it affected my aunt and uncles' lives. How did they react? How did my father react when the news of his daughter's death came over the phone one night when I was only 6 years old? I never knew he had been married before, nor that he had other children. There are times when I wish I had of been more exposed to these things so I would know I'm not alone in my sorrow and grief. I still miss Eric so much.

I was able to keep focus on my plans for a trip with several of my girlfriends to Mexico for Dia de Los Muertos this year. It was a great time and I'm so thankful that I was able to share it with friends. We built a beautiful altar and all were reminded of the losses we suffer as human beings - inescapable human truths we believe we cannot bare, but do and go on sometimes very alone.

This last weekend, my oldest son, who is a mere 31 years of age, told me I was getting gray. "Yes," I said, and didn't think much of it at the time. I don't have much - more growing in around the temples, and a patch just above my forehead on the left side, almost like a streak, but I know more is coming. I've never worried about my age or wished I was younger. The past three years however, have aged me quite a bit - in ways I would have never guessed. I hurt all over. My hands, feet and shoulders being the worst. Sometimes I feel like my arms are not quite connected to my body. My face definitely looks older, ravaged by sadness and grief. But, all in all, I know growing old was inevitable and, quite frankly, it doesn't bother me. There hasn't been a time in my life when I felt this comfortable in my own skin, and yet I wonder if it's because I don't really care much about anything anymore. Maybe it's just a symptom of my apathy at life in general. I do know the only things keeping me going are my husband and son. Without them, I would not be here today.

The Joy of Cooking

I've never been a mayonnaise fan. When I was in elementary school the trauma is still raw when I remember opening my lunch box, carefully unwrapping the bologna sandwich and discovering there was mayo on it. It didn't happen often, but when it did, I was devastated. I guess when you have five children to make lunches for everyday school day, sometimes the order wasn't quite right. There are things now I will eat with mayo, but it has to be mixed in. For  instance, tuna (but not on the bread), egg salad, macaroni salad (only my Mom's recipe), potato salad, and a little dip of mayo on each of my artichoke petals. But now, the game has changed a bit. Little did I know how easy it is to make homemade mayo and how absolutely delicious it is. The recipe in the Joy of Cooking will have you saying, "bye bye to Best Foods." My Mom's macaroni salad just hit a new level. I just hope I don't eat it all before our get together tonight here at the house. Yum.

I haven't done much pottery since I finished my Mom's cremation urn. Unconsciously, I may have processed the finished product as an end and then didn't notice any creativity creeping back in. Her urn is beautiful and I know she would have approved. I believe she was with me in spirit while my hands imagined it into reality. In the past couple of weeks, I have been doing a little more and today I stacked a couple of totems in the yard and took pics.  They add a
little color and cheer. I can't use the word "whimsical" as it reminds me so much of the many times Jay and Eric and I watched some home decor or garden show on TV and continuously laughed our heads off as it seemed every other word used by the hosts was "whimsical." It was a constant in our vocabularies after that making fun of all sorts of news articles, people and work situations. We always had fun that way. Due to the overuse of some other words like, "shameful" and "stupid," I still can laugh out loud without a care as to who can hear me! Jay and Eric's voices are constant companions to me.