Day One Hundred Nine through Thirteen

This is the first day I've been alone in the house since our vacation ended and, I must say, it feels good. I'm a bit down after spending four days at St. Mary's Art Center with some friends and acquaintances. Beautiful mountain air, sunshine and picturesque surroundings make for a relaxing experience. Even though I did produce two paintings which I am rather satisfied with, I just don't do well being around other women I don't seek out as regular companions. I find I have problems dealing with other's idiosyncrasies. It's better for me, now more than ever, to spend my time with people whom I have an intimate relationship with as I don't tend to notice things about them that may bother me. In other words, I guess I need to focus on the times I can be with my close friends and family and remind myself that these are the people who mean the most to me - those who I have the energy to expend my efforts toward, building even stronger relationships with and learning to love and appreciate on a deeper level. I feel like I neglect those who mean the most to me when I am around other's who I have problems tolerating. It's something I've tried to work on and, at times, I have been successful in doing just that, but for the most part I tend to revert back to the same level of intolerance that is deeply ingrained in me. Although maybe this time I have finally realized it's futile for me to continue trying and really, why am I challenging myself to achieve something that may not be in me. Why I don't just accept acknowledging those who I am comfortable around and skip the pretense of enjoying the rest, is beyond me. Maybe this realization will set some roots. Thank God for the good friends I do have and work to keep those friendships lasting and meaningful. I guess it's pertinent to the old adage about spreading oneself too thin which applies to people as well as activities.

Day Four

So many extraordinary women at my patio table last night for my Wine Down Wednesday! I feel so privileged to have among my circle of friends such caring, giving people who, even with adversities in their own lives, seem to continue to give so much to those around them. Their families owe so much to them, the community thrives from their efforts, and I hope they all know how much better this world is with them in it.

At times it feels a little intimidating to have such successful women friends. Considering my struggle to find what it is that gives me meaning and value, I still feel that women who have careers have somehow discovered the secret to finding much worth and value from those activities - a search I have put much energy into which has resulted in no satisfactory conclusion as if a cosmic joke. For some reason, I believe someone or something is having a good laugh at my expense. It's ironic that someone with so much desire and passion cannot quite get it together long enough to create the means necessary to actually satisfy those wants and desires. And yet, my premise has always been that money only makes one comfortable - it does nothing to actually satisfy the soul. Having to struggle for a day to day existence and meeting the simple needs of food, water, shelter and clothing, if you really think about it, doesn't take much. I've read Henry David Thoreau's, Walden, several times and marvel at a simplicity of daily life which, on a more modern level, would satisfy many of us and provide the means to pursue those things, buried deep in the heart, just waiting to make a person truly happy. Living such an inward life is scary to many of us used to being busy all the time, leaving us with no opportunities to delve deep into our lives and the meaning of it all, and I'm sure there are those of us who strategically avoid the introspection. Maybe there isn't any meaning - something even more problematic perhaps. This is my journey. I must discover it myself, in my own time, and my own way. Go slow, be open to anything, listen intently and stop thinking my words are worth other people's time - they are only important to me. Be kind, gentle and move deliberately. Live simply. This is my attempt to make this my mantra for the next 361 days.