When I first began this blog my intention was to write everyday. As I began, there were times when I just wasn't feeling it or other interests and commitments got in the way of actually chronicaling each day consecutively. Several times, entries became the conglomeration of several days as one entry. Then came the job at the legislature and I couldn't keep up. I vowed I would begin again once session was over. Then my world was turned upside down and I'm still hanging by my toes.
It feels good to be writing again as I love to put my thoughts on paper and see the words come to life as they describe my very human experiences. At times it's quite painful to introspect and reflect on the passages of one's life, but in the end, I am more contented with my thoughts and feelings if they are memorialized. I'm not sure, however, the exercise will be the catharsis I am hoping for. The rhyme and reason I am searching so desperately to find may never come. I only hope some semblance of joy returns, if only just to honor the fact that I was the conduit to have helped bring Jay and Eric into this world. Like all mothers, I just wanted so badly to see my sons living a joyous life. Now I'm afraid my husband is unduly suffering by witnessing my unending grief. I know he wants so desperately to take my pain away. I feel rather pathetic at times as I'm not the only one in this world who is grieving the loss of a child, unfortunately, even though my intellect knows this, my heart has not got the message yet, if it ever will.
I do know that when I rise in the morning, make my pot of tea, and step into the backyard to feed the dog and water my garden, I feel such a contentment that I have never felt before. I have always said Carson City never felt like my true home, but that all changed on April 20, 2011, when the memories forged here over the years became all that was left of a young man whose life began 23 years ago in this little town. I feel my home and yard have become my cocoon of those memories, collected over the past 19 years we have lived on Crain Street. So many, many memories of two little boys growing up and so many, many memories of two young men coming into their own. I love both of them so - they are my success, my greatest joy, and now one has become my greatest sorrow.
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