Day Forty-Two, Forty-Three, Forty-Four and Forty-Five

Doubt has somehow pierced my tranquility and I haven't had a care to write about it. It's been several days and I've almost lost count but will drag the calendar out and reveal the reality. I know what it is and just can't seem to acknowledge it. My world exists on two playing fields. Oscar Wilde once said, "One's real life is the life one does not live," and I'm sure this is poignantly true for me. Quitting my last employment and settling into the idea of not working outside the home anymore gave me a real feeling of freedom - one I had not experienced before. The peace overriding any thoughts I may have had was like a river of chocolate - sweet, indulgent, and never ending (so it seemed). Then came the fateful phone call that beckoned me back into the world where one exists to be made into something that is plastic, mortal and expected. I had applied for a job working the legislative session which starts in January and ends in June. Since we have a biennial legislature, workers are needed only temporarily every two years and it works out to be a nice little working stint that can bring in some money for the time being. I took the test which, I was told, would take about four weeks to score, but found myself in an interview just one week later. And guess what?! I will be working the Session. This is where the two worlds that have recently collided come into play. There is a part of me that is desperately in need of validation and a part of me that is perfectly content with just being. My recent period of tranquility proved how strongly I need that side of me to be nourished but then the part that desires the validation to come from without crept in and became the focus. Don't get me wrong, I am excited about working the Session as I know I can do a great job, focus for the six months it will take, and then be excited once again with the freedom that comes afterwards (and I'll have a little money to solidify the experience). But the freedom I have been experiencing has been buried deep, or retreated to a formidable depth, and even though I have several months before I begin the "job," the freedom has been defeated and I'm afraid I must work on bringing it back up to the surface for the months ahead. I must realize this is not a black and white state of being - it's not either or - this feeling of freedom can be nurtured even when one is not truly free. If it is nurtured and tenured, I should be able to summon it any time I desire. I think the past couple of days have been especially hard for me because I have not wanted to face the task of making sure tranquility is accessible whenever I want it to be. So, I'm going out to water the garden. I am going to take my time and not look at it as a chore or something I need to get done. It's a start - a beginning point to once again create a safe place in my psyche for peace and quiet.