Day One Hundred Forty-Nine and Fifty

It's interesting to me how issues manifest themselves in me, sometimes rather insidiously it seems. There are so many factors that play upon my emotional well-being at any one time and unless I have time to really think them through, these factors end up clouding my ability to see things straight at times. The necessity to reflect on the events that occur in my life, the feelings attached to those events and the need to understand why I am the way I am has come at a very high price - and I mean by that, the dance of time which has left me with a feeling of regret and sadness that I am only now realizing. I think, only now, am I finally willing to look at myself with objectivity. With that said, my dissatisfaction and discontentment is beginning to be understood. My life has been made, shaped and defined by me but, unfortunately, I have only realized this at this point in my life and am wondering if it is too late? There are so many questions I constantly put to myself and sometimes, the answers are disturbing - would I have done this different, would I have not done this or that, would I change things and in what way? Perhaps this is the process everyone ends up going through - a kind of last judgment if you will, a good look at one's life in retrospective. Don't get me wrong, I don't plan on this being the last chapter in my "book" but I do want to make the most of the rest of the time I do have on this Earth. And, I don't mean this to be depressing or a commentary of sorrow and regret, I just want to make sure that the forward movement continues forward and that the mistakes of the past are reflected on, learned from, and not repeated. It sounds daunting but I'm up for it and I plan to make the most of each day, but not forget that thoughtful introspection is warranted. I'm sure this is why I am excited about working for the next couple of months and plan to jump in with both feet.